someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
