Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
