I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
