Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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