1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
