apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Found your dick twin last night
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Drunk is a universal language darling
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