Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize