I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
