just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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