I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
