His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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