Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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