I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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