I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
