We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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