There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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