my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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