I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think my fart just growled at me.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
