Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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