Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
