My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
