why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
