i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
