Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
