The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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