So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize