There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
