A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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