Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i believe in u and ur pee
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
