Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
