Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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