The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
