dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize