I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
