my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
