when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
