I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
