It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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