I wish my penis had an off switch
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
