worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
