Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
