Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
