My girlfriend figured out who you are.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
