I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize