I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
