There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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