just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
