gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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