i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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