I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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