Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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