I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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