I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
wow bdsm is so cute
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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