He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So here I am, sexting at work.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
