Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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