When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
