Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
