oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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