he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
a search helicopter?!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
