i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
PANTIES FOUND
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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